Thursday, January 7, 2010

Feeling blue on a white day

There is no other way to say it.

I am feeling sad today.

I am sad because I just learned yesterday that the scarring on my lungs appears to be getting worse.

I am sad that I just found this out after having some testing done at the beginning of December.

I am sad that the doctors seem to be taking a nonchalant approach to this latest development.

I am sad that there is a huge snowstorm in the Midwest, and that I had to cancel my appointment with the ear, nose, and throat doctor because of the weather.

I am sad that I couldn't get another appointment with this doctor until the end of the month.

I am sad that I still have a hoarse voice, and wondering if it will end up being something serious.

I am sad because my 83-year old mother-in-law just left this morning with my sister-in-law for a four day trip to someplace warm and sunny.

I am sad because a trip to someplace warm and sunny would be wonderful for me, but difficult for me to organize and manage.

I am sad that even a trip to the grocery store, to church, or to the kids' activities is hard for me to manage because of this horrible disease (yes, I said horrible!) Especially in cold and snowy weather.

I am sad that I most likely will not live to be 83, nor 73, nor 63, and maybe not even 53.

I am sad that I am sad because everyone wants me to be positive.

It's hard to be positive when I am feeling like this.

So for today, I will simply be sad.


  1. Suzanne, my name is Michelle and my mom has scleroderma. I found your blog while visiting the scleroderma board. I go to those boards sometimes but spend most of my time on the Road Back message boards. I will ask my favorite saints to intercede for you - I pray for your healing and comfort! May the Holy Family watch over you and bring you peace!

  2. Thank you Michelle for your thoughts and prayers. You must be a great source of support and comfort for your mom.

  3. Suzanne, I love your honesty in this blog post. It takes guts to tell what really going on. Good job!